Christmas Jumpers Are Sexy (Because Of Science)

You might have heard that a guy in a well tailored suit is the biggest turn-on for women everywhere. Or a girl with a low cut dress can drive a guy wild with passion. True as that may be, nothing stirs up the ‘ol juices better than a badly knitted, utterly horrendous looking Christmas jumper with a snowman on the front, and little bits that light up on the arms. It’s something about the way it clashes horribly with anything else that the person is wearing that does it: it messes with the hormones. Not to mention the fact that it makes you look like a sexy Christmas card from Walmart. Ooh yeah. Christmas jumpers don’t just keep you warm, they make you hot too! Here’s how:

1) Snowflakes Are Sexy

Almost every Christmas jumper there is, has a few snowflakes on them. They remind people of cold, which reminds them of warm fires, which reminds them of wine, which reminds them of being drunk, which reminds them of having sex. See? Snow flakes = drunken sex. A jumper with sexy drunken sex symbols on it has to be sexy!

2) Christmas Trees Are Sexy

It’s an established scientific fact that trees grow outside (It was in a magazine I read once). If trees grow outside, a tree on a jumper can inflame a person with wild, uncontrolled passion. This is due to the association between trees and the wild outdoors, which tricks the jumper viewer into believing that the jumper wearer is a very down to earth, spiritual person. That said, the outdoors are also messy and full of rocks and spiders. Some people do not like rocks and spiders. That’s why the Christmas tree is traditionally kept inside. This suggests that the person wearing a Christmas jumper with a Christmas Tree on it has all the spirituality of an outdoors type, but the cleanliness of an indoors person. Christmas Trees = in, out, in, out. See? Sexy.

3) Christmas Puddings Are Sexy

Have you ever noticed that, more often than not, the Christmas Pudding on a Christmas Jumper is often perfectly round, whereas your average Christmas Pudding is generally a sort of mound shape? There is a scientific explanation for this: The circular shape is there to suggest the notion of the circle of life. It’s true. Whenever we see a round Christmas pudding, our thoughts are subconsciously driven towards procreation and food. By themselves, these thoughts are virtually harmless. However, when we see food (the pudding) on someone’s torso, while thinking about procreating at the same time, sexy thoughts of eating pudding off of someone start to invade our minds. Therefore round Christmas puddings = the kinky duty of prolonging the human race. Which is totally sexy.

4) Santa Claus Is Sexy

I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell can an old man with a white beard be sexy? This article is in danger of becoming weird!” Relax, my friend, and let me give you some science. What is commonly regarded as the sexiest colour? That’s right, red. Ladies who wear red are generally perceived as being more open to sex. This is why Whitey Johansson changed her name to Scarlett. No one would have found her attractive otherwise and she’d be a nobody. It’s not Santa himself that’s sexy, it’s his garb. The inventors of Christmas knew this: That’s why Santa wears red and is always depicted as a big fat man, instead of a small n’ skinny guy. If red makes people think of sex, then lots of red will make people think of lots of sex. So y’see, big red Santa on Christmas jumpers = hypnotic red sexy sex! Science!

5) Reindeer Are Sexy

The image of reindeer have a profound psychological effect on us, as a species. They tap into our psyche in order to make us feel vulnerable and open to suggestion. And I bet you thought they just made us horny, because they had antlers, right? Please. Science is more sophisticated than that. The reason reindeer can make us feel emotionally fragile, is because of Rudolph. Our minds automatically go to the most famous reindeer, who was a social outcast in his youth. Most of us had a similar experience when growing up. Teenagers and Rudolph had a lot in common. Although we’re not aware of it, seeing a reindeer makes us feel a little blue and unloved, which the jumper wearer can take immediate advantage of. By making any sort of polite conversation or gesture, the jumper wearer re-enacts the symbolic acceptance of Rudolph by the other reindeer. Reindeer acceptance = totally hot.

6) Snowmen Are Sexy

It’s true, snowmen on Christmas jumpers arouse deep lustful thoughts in all of us. Because of science. If we see a snowman on the street, it has no effect on us because of the temperature. This makes logical sense. Cold weather makes water hard, but little else. If we see it on a jumper however, it’s a different story. We see a being literally made of ice: a cold exterior. But snowmen are always smiling on Christmas jumpers as well. Always! This sends conflicting, mixed messages to the brain, which ultimately come together to form one rational thought: that jumper is a tease. And when it comes to sexual encounters, everyone gets turned on by a tease. Frosty The Snowman = a slutty tease. And how hot is that? (sexually, not temperature-wise).

(Editors Note: The writer of this article was suffering under fever at the time of writing. While a brilliant journalist in his field, we have reason to believe that, while perfectly logical, some facts in the body of this article may not be 100% accurate.)

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Published in: on December 21, 2014 at 2:31 pm  Leave a Comment  
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